Weiss Kreuz, a Crack Fic
by MissTakatori
Summary: Schuldig and Farfarello do something "productive" with their time after killing an innocent deer no, we don't know why, either . Rated T for violence and language. NOT to be taken seriously, only for amusement! Characters may be OOC.
1. Chapter 1: Little Shop In Horror

**Disclaimer:** My friend and I don't own Weiss Kreuz or any of the music/lyrics used in this fic.

**A/N:** In a desperate attempt to avoid my philosophy homework, my friend and I took turns writing this. I'm breaking it down into separate chapters. This is not to be taken seriously in ANY WAY. This is basically a crack!fic and we realize that it is COMPLETELY ludicrous. Characters aren't necessarily in character, and this plot is, seriously, on something. Only thing is this came out of our brains without any help. That's why we think it's funny. We hope you'll find it amusing, too! Enjoy!

Chapter One: Little Shop In Horror

It was a lovely day in the woods. There was a deer there, and it decided that it was rather hungry. So, it went and ate some rather lovely wild strawberries.

Unfortunately, there was poison ivy mixed in with the strawberries. The deer's tongue suddenly became very itchy and uncomfortable. It shook its head and gnashed (heh) its teeth. What ever was it going to do?

So the deer went to visit Dr. Farfarello's Medical Practices. Nurse Schuldig, a handsome young buck (not fuck) was there, too! How splendid! However, when the good doctor came in, Farfarello cut out the deer's tongue with his javelin-like knife. Oh no! The nurse smiled prettily.

The deer choked on its blood, gagging and eyes rolling as the nurse invaded his mind, laughter echoing between his ears. Oh, why?

What ever had the poor deer done to deserve this cruel fate, it wondered as it faded out of existence, sprawled in a pool of blood. The "good doctor" jabbed it once more just to be sure it was dead. But before they could do anything else, there was a knock on the door…

Nagi opened the door and the doctor's office faded away into blackness and stars. The poor animal remained, dead as it was.

"What the hell are you two doing?" Nagi asked in an unamused voice. "Crawford wanted me to tell you that whatever you were about to let Farfarello do to that animal was going to have severe consequences. He suggests that you do something more productive with your time."

The other two glanced at each other, then back at Nagi.

"Like what?" Schuldig asked with a smirk, crossing his arms. Farfarello was more interested in the fairly difficult task of dislodging his javelin from the deer's body.

Nagi didn't even flinch at the squelching noise the deer's carcass made. "I don't know, Crawford didn't tell me."

"Bothering him might be fun…" Schuldig got up, stretching like a cat.

"Don't bother Crawford. At least _he_ gets us work. And work gets us money, so behave and let him do his part so we can do ours."

"What's up, brat? You don't seem like much fun today," Schuldig sneered down at him. The teenager just rolled his eyes and left.

"Spoilsport," Schuldig snorted. He glanced down at the deer, then looked up at Farfarello, who was watching him silently.

"What exactly are you intending to _do_ with this, Farfarello?" he asked, nudging the corpse with his foot.

"Killing things hurts God…" Farfarello said. Schuldig rolled his eyes.

"You have no idea." He cocked his head thoughtfully. "Hmm…I suppose Fearless Leader would appreciate not having carcasses lying around…" He grinned suddenly. "And I have just the place to dispose of it."

After an hour of careful preparation involving multiple sharp objects (courtesy of Farfarello), several trash bags, several sturdy cardboard boxes and a lot of cutting they were done. Schuldig stood back to admire their work as Farfarello neatly sliced off the last section of packing tape and pressed it onto the box.

"Perfect," Schuldig said with a wicked smile, surveying the line of (relatively) neatly packed boxes. Now they just needed a phone book to find a few addresses, starting with a certain flower shop…

"Why thank you!" Omi chirped, signing the clipboard the UPS man held out. He accepted the box with both hands, smiling and retreated into the flower shop.

"Who's that from?" Yohji asked, sauntering into the main room. "One of the ladies?" he winked.

"There's no return address," Omi murmured in response. He carefully cut the packing tape and opened the folds of the cardboard box.

His shouts rang through the shop and into the street, right into the open window of the car in which Schuldig and Farfarello sat, horribly amused.

"What the hell!?" Yohji demanded, rushing over to see what was causing the fuss. Omi was kneeling on the floor, trying very hard not to vomit.

"Jesus!" Yohji yelped, jerking backwards and involuntarily shoving the box off the table. A bloody deer haunch flopped onto the floor with a wet thud. Right next to a folded white something. Mastering his disgust, Yohji bent and picked it up, discovering it was a card, one of the ones with quaint, charming watercolors of houses in the woods surrounded by flowers. Hands shaking slightly, he opened the card…

'Greetings and salutations! This is just a little token of esteem from some people who have followed your career with great amusement. I hope you appreciate this gesture on our part.'

It wasn't signed.

"Hey, guys," Ken grinned. "What going on—HOLY HELL! What is that!?"

"What's all the commotion out here?" Aya asked, coming out of the closet he was in.

"Leg…box…blood…" Omi mumbled from behind his hand, eyes tightly closed.

"It's an animal leg," Aya observed brilliantly.

"Who the hell sends an animal leg to a flower shop?!" Ken demanded.

"Someone very, very sick…" Yohji growled.

"I know," Aya said after a pause. The other three looked at him (well, two, Omi was still rocking back and forth in a fetal position).

"Who's the sickest group of people we know?" Aya continued. His eyes narrowed dramatically.

"Schwarz…"

Schuldig laughed from the car, basking in the glow of horrified minds and of…sheer ludicrousness. He looped the thoughts back to Farfarello, who smiled at him in a manic-type way.

"_I always feel like…somebody's watching me…_" Schuldig murmured sweetly.

Farfarello raised an eyebrow calmly. "Did you really plan all of this out to that extent?"

"Your lack of faith in my irony is disturbing," Schuldig grinned.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


	2. Chapter 2: Why not the Women?

**Disclaimer:** My friend and I don't own Weiss Kreuz or any of the music/lyrics used in this fic.

**A/N:** In a desperate attempt to avoid my philosophy homework, my friend and I took turns writing this. I'm breaking it down into separate chapters. This is not to be taken seriously in ANY WAY. This is basically a crack!fic and we realize that it is COMPLETELY ludicrous. Characters aren't necessarily in character, and this plot is, seriously, on something. Only thing is this came out of our brains without any help. That's why we think it's funny. Not to mention we are HORRIBLY biased to loving Schwarz, so… sorry. We mess with all the other characters. We hope you'll find it amusing, too! Enjoy!

Chapter Two: Why not the Women?

"For me?" Sakura asked, pleasantly surprised to be receiving a package. She signed the clipboard and took the package, carrying it over to the table. She looked at it, trying to figure out who was sending her stuff, but there was no name other than her own. Curious, she cut it open. There was an envelope addressed to her sitting on top of some folded padding paper. She picked it up and pulled out a sweet-looking card.

"Aww, how pretty," she said, opening it up.

'Miss Sakura,' it said. 'This is being sent to you as a replacement for what you lost. We hope you enjoy it.'

"Something I lost…?" Sakura said with a confused frown. "I don't think I've lost anything…" She pulled out the padding paper to find another, smaller box. She opened this, pulling back the flaps to reveal what looked like a plastic bag. She unfolded it, starting to feel a twinge of apprehension…

And screamed blue murder, stumbling back against the wall in horror.

"If you don't, we sure will," Schuldig said, laughing out the window as her terror twisted through his mind.

About fifteen minutes later, Weiβ arrived to Sakura's aid. The hunters of the night were troubled at this new development, staring at the deer kidney.

"Schwarz," Aya said through clenched teeth. What business did they have bothering this girl? What did they _want_ from them!?

Schuldig turned on the radio. Singing along with the song, he proclaimed: "_What you want, baby I got it. What you need, you know I got it. All I'm asking is for a little respect._"

Farfarello sighed. "Your singing hurts God."

Schuldig pouted. ". . . _just a_ _little respect_. I tried."

The next stop was to Magic Bus Hospital. There was only a matter of time before Aya/Ran would come to visit Aya/sister. On the young girl's bed was a box very similar to the ones both at the flower stop and Sakura's house.

When Aya/Ran opened the box, he was disgusted to find a deer's head in the box. The mouth was agape, eyes missing, and the top of the skull removed, revealing the brain.

The card amongst the tissue paper read,

'Until you wake up, you might want to borrow this. Don't worry about giving it back.'

Again, it wasn't signed.

Farfarello chuckled and Schuldig whistled a tune.

"What is that?" Farfarello asked.

"_Ohhh, if I only had a braaaain_…" Schuldig grinned. Farfarello smirked at him.

"Mom!" Ouka called as she entered the restaurant.

"Hello, Ouka," her mother said with a smile. "Have a seat, dinner's almost ready."

"Oh? What are we having?"

"It's a surprise. I just got it today."

"Mm, smells delicious," Ouka said with a smile.

"Oh, by the way," Ouka's mother said as she finished up the dinner. "This came for you today." She handed Ouka a letter. Ouka opened it curiously, unfolding the flowery card.

'Your wonderful meal tonight comes courtesy of our gift to your mother. It's tongue, very fresh. Please enjoy it even more than you enjoy your boyfriend's, you shameless, incestual harlot. 3'

"Here you are," Ouka's mother said brightly, setting the plate down. Ouka stared, torn between anger and a strong sense of disgust…

Schuldig nearly cackled. "_Kiss, kiss me, say you miss, miss me, kiss me love, with heavenly affection_…"

Farfarello made a face. "Incest hurts God…" He declared.

None of the girls could seem to figure out where the box had come from. One minute it wasn't there, the next they found it sitting on the table. And Hell was, to put it mildly, irritated. This was supposed to be a _secure_ facility, but somehow a mystery box got into the room without anyone knowing about it. Or at least no one was fessing up. Shoen flippantly denied knowing anything about it (complete with a haughty hair-flip), Neu said nothing and Tot…well, Tot was about as much use as usual.

Which still left them all wondering what the box could possibly be doing there. Finally, Hell decided they might as well just open the damn thing and get it over with. She neatly sliced off the tape and folded back the flaps to reveal a flowery card.

"What on earth…" She picked it up and opened it, her eyes narrowing.

"What does it say?" Shoen asked.

" 'This gift is for you lovely ladies and your ever so charming monster-man. Think of them as replacement parts in case something goes wrong.'"

"What the hell?" Shoen demanded, putting her hands on her hips. "Just what is _that_ supposed to mean? Who sent it?"

"It's not signed," Hell said, putting the card aside. She messed with the packaging for a moment and stood back with a startled cry. The other three women stepped forward, reacting similarly. In the box lay the hind legs of what looked like a deer.

"Oh my _God_!" Shoen said, looking ill. Hell's eye was twitching and Tot was hugging her stuffed rabbit so hard it looked like it was about to burst.

"What the _hell_?!" Shoen continued, putting a hand over her mouth.

"What's the matter?" a voice asked, echoing through the room. "Don't you like our present?" The four girls looked around quickly, finally noticing two people standing on the balcony above them.

"You!" Hell hissed. Schuldig wiggled his fingers in a wave, leaning casually against the railing.

"Get out of here!" Shoen shrieked angrily. "You are not welcome!"

"Aww…" Schuldig said with a mocking pout. "They don't like our present, Farfarello…" Farfarello grinned and twirled his knife.

"And after we put all that effort into it, too…" Schuldig sighed. "Ah well. That's gratitude for you."

"Very impolite," Farfarello agreed.

"How dare you infiltrate our lab to perpetrate your sick jokes?!" Hell shouted furiously. Schuldig's grin widened.

"Get out!" Hell ordered. Schuldig laughed.

"Oh, I don't know about that. I'm pretty happy right here. How about you?" he asked Farfarello. He nodded, smiling disturbingly and tapping his knife against his mouth.

"I thought so." Hell clenched her teeth furiously.

"Get them!" she ordered, pointing at the intruders. Schuldig laughed again, not moving from his spot by the railing as the members of Schreient came charging towards them. Shoen swung her whip at them, but it wrapped itself harmlessly around Farfarello's now extended knife, making it quite easy to pull her forward and off balance. Schuldig dodged a kick from Neu, easily blocking her punch. Everyone in the room suddenly heard a voice very distinctly singing…

"_I get no kick from champagne_…" While Shoen was off balance, Tot jabbed at Farfarello with her oh-so-scary pink umbrella, but he side-stepped it, slamming a hand into her back and sending her staggering forward into the wall. Schuldig was still keeping Neu at bay, still smiling.

"_Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all_…" Farfarello slashed Shoen across the face, making her shriek with a combination of anger and pain. Another slash across her front sent her stumbling backwards and, with her hands over her face, it was quite simple to hit her and knock her off the railing and onto the floor below.

Schuldig caught Neu's hand as it came towards his face and twisted, spinning and throwing her into the wall alongside the now unconscious Tot. Still smiling, he turned and hopped off the balcony, landing lightly and advancing towards Neu with Farfarello dropping down behind him.

"_So why should it be true_…" the song continued, Schuldig singing aloud this time. Hell threw a knife, but he dodged it and it whooshed harmless by. Running a couple of steps for momentum, Schuldig leapt forward.

"_That I get a _kick_ out of you_!" To emphasize the word "kick" he slammed his foot into Hell's chest, sending her crashing backwards out the window.

"Ta-da!" he said, spreading his arms and grinning. Farfarello obligingly gave him a brief clap.

"You see, ladies," Schuldig said matter-of-factly, "this is what happens when you're rude and ungrateful. See you around." He sauntered casually out of the building with Farfarello, leaving the members of Schreient in various states of consciousness.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


End file.
